Home OPINION The Obsessive Ex: Where To Draw Line, By Tokunbo David

The Obsessive Ex: Where To Draw Line, By Tokunbo David

My cousin got married in her mid-20s and her wedding was the talk of the town. She had met her husband in the school fellowship at the university and according to the lovers then, it was a relationship led by the Holy Spirit.

They had a strict Christian courtship and we all thought they would both live happily ever after but that never happened. I really can’t say what happened but after three kids the marriage packed up. My cousin’s husband became abusive after she had her first child but she stayed. However, she knew she had to leave when he beat her and she became unconscious for three days. We all thought she was going to die but miraculously she came back to life.

One beautiful morning, she left with her three children to another part of Lagos without giving him her new address. But somehow he figured out where she lived and came every day to harass her. He called her names and every man she saw with her was sleeping with her. Eventually, my cousin filed for divorce and changed address again but her ex found out the place. He continued with his threat and harassment. Her ex-husband so bullied her that my cousin became afraid and many times she had to call the police but he still continued until my cousin had to move out of Lagos. She didn’t have rest until she relocated to another town. I won’t mention where because five years after he is still looking for his wife. He has been stalking everyone who is close to her and trying to get her address. Even though he has not been responsible towards his kids he is still bent on searching for her whereabouts. This ex thinks he owns my cousin.

Certainly, we must have heard many stories of crazy impossible exes and people who have gone through a messy divorce. You will think things will get better when they leave a toxic marriage but no, in some cases things become far worse after separation or divorce. I have heard the story of a couple, who got divorced after two years in marriage and the ex-wife of the man will not let him be. Whenever she finds out that her ex is dating another woman all hell will be let loose. She didn’t stop until the guy got her arrested and locked up. She got cured of her crazy ways when she slept behind bars for three days.

Of course, I really can’t understand the anguish of being in a divorce because I have never been in one but I know that being a rejected partner can be devastating. Some people experience unending grief, ruthless pessimism and a deepening fear that love might never happen to them again.

Honestly, it is normal to feel insecure when you are about to lose something that you really care deeply about. Breakups are never easy but it is expected that after a break-up, you should get the message that the person doesn’t want you again and then move on. Sending incessant texts with threats or trying to get them back is out of place. Grow up and stop sending abusive words or threats to your ex. If your wife or husband doesn’t want you again, get that into your thick skull and move on. Stop showing up randomly at places you know she will be visiting. Stop causing commotion or fight at every given opportunity. It is cruel of you to use manipulative tactics by saying that you will commit suicide if your ex-doesn’t come back to you. Don’t use your children as pawns to get back at your ex. Probably, it is hard for you to process but let me spell this out: your ex left you because she doesn’t love you anymore. So stop obsessing over her or getting into competition with your ex. Get a good hold of your emotions and if you don’t it means you are immature or crazy.

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The era of the slave trade is long gone and you can’t own a human being. The love you claim you have for that person can’t be strong enough to chain him down. Your ex isn’t your property no matter how much you have paid as bride price; he or she has a right to leave when they have had enough. So if they make a decision to date another person, let them be. Hey! You are no longer in control so let your ex fall for whoever she/wants to fall for.

A former neighbour once told me about her ex-husband who would drive past her house at random hours of the night. Sometimes, he would just park in front of her house, drunk, for long hours blasting out loud music from his car. My neighbour’s ex-husband tried to break her many times, and he said to her many times: “if I can’t have you, no one will.” She was always afraid and did all she could to make him stop but he didn’t stop until she got some area boys to threaten him. Now my neighbour is happily married – faraway in the US and she is expecting her second child.

Another peculiar characteristic of the obsessive ex is that many of them are in complete denial. They argue even after divorce and say things like: “We aren’t over yet!” “We used to be happy together!” some of them even use religious books to buttress their psychotic behaviour.

The obsessive ex behaves this way because their supply has been cut off, and they need this supply to be in control. You know it is like an addiction and being in control of the lives of their ex makes them get high while they are exacting their vengeance. These people go to any length to lie and manipulate anyone to get what they want. I have a friend who is separated from her husband now and her husband has been going to everyone she knows to say that he left her because he caught her sleeping with different men. He even went to her place of work to assassinate her character and stalks her on social media. He keeps changing his name and picture just because he wants to keep a close tab on her on social media. This is so pathetic. If someone doesn’t want you again, why don’t you just pull yourself together and do the most honourable thing: move on!

However, if you are in any of these situations, never allow your ex to walk over. Don’t let him bully you while you fold your arms watching in terror. If he/she is becoming a threat go and report to the police and alert trusted relations and friends about his every antic. If you both have kids, try as much as possible to let him see his kids and do not badmouth him in front of the children. Never let the drama consume you because if you let that happen, you will be buried in a steaming hot high conflict of filth for the rest of your life.

Source: The SUN